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And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered
with water and
all of the evil people are destroyed, but I want to save a few
good people and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet.
I am ordering you to build me an ark." And in a flash of light-
ning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark. "Okay," Noah
said, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months later it starts to rain. Thundered the Lord, "You
had better have my ark completed or learn to swim
for a very
long time." And six months passed. The skies begin to cloud up.
Rain began to fall. The Lord saw
that Noah was sitting in the
front yard weeping. And there was no ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord,
"Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed to the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me,"
begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First,
I had to get a building permit for the ark's
construction pro-
ject, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an en-
gineer to redraw the plans. Then
I got into a big fight over
whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"My neighbors
objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building the ark in my front yard. So I had to get a variance
from
the City Planning Commission. Then I had a big problem
getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on
cutting
trees because of the spotted owl. I had to convince
the Fish and Wildlife Agency that I needed the wood to save
the
owl, but they would not let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went
out on strike. I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone could pick
up a saw or hammer. Now I have
16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owl. Then I started
gathering up animals
and got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I
got the lawsuit
dismissed, EPA notified me that I could not
complete the ark without filing an environmental impact state-
ment
on the proposed flood. They did not take kindly to the
idea that you had jurisdiction over your conduct and you were
the Supreme Being.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed
new floodplain.
Right now I am still trying to resolve a com-
plaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over
how many
Croatians I am supposed to hire, and the IRS has seized
all of my assets, claiming I am trying to avoid paying taxes
by
leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state
about owing some kind of use tax. I really do not
think I can
finish your ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
Then the skies began to
clear. The sun began to shine. The
rainbow arched across the sky and Noah looked up with a smile.
"You mean
you are not going to destroy the Earth?" Noah asked
hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has."
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